*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many