I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.