Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.