ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”