My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
You Might Also Like
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
And bowling should be called pinball
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.