You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Oops I deleted….
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.