Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
bury ourselves
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”