Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B