“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it