Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*