never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Awesome parenting 😂
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today