Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
dogs can find happiness so easily
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
this FaceApp is creepy af
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.