*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.