My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.