Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow