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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
No, he would not have.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too