sin harder.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.