My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.