A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
the answer was staring at me all along
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.