A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
yeah 😭
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Fiction has to make sense.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.