If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets