The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?