If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The happy life.. 😊
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?