I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team