My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.