One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
What is going on? 😅
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.