if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?