I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
All is fair in drunk and war.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.