Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
You Might Also Like
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
asked my bf how work was today
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday