Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.