My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
this has done me in for some reason
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal