Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.