[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways