*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.