I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.