Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My daily affirmation
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?