wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
$3 #books
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely