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Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Holy crap this is wonderful
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.