Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?