Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
You Might Also Like
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
If I ignore life will it go away?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.