Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The Sun
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
#Caturday
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?