how much does a mortician urn in a year
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.