Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing