me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.