It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
a fate I wish upon no one
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?