If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
felt that
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
wow
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.