Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
The asteroid..
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else