Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.