Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.