I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
File under excellent bookstore names.